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Here I Am
-- Shin Hyesung
He had known that she’d be beautiful when she walked down the aisle.
There was a certain grace in her stride that was alluring and mysterious and made men wonder what secrets she held, what knowledge she had, and what kept her so together and in control when other women would have fallen apart under the situations she worked in. They’d say she was illusion, an enigma - untouchable, ethereal.
They’d be wrong.
Hye Sung knew Yu Jung; he’d seen her at her worst, at her silliest, at her most neurotic, at her wildest, and at her loneliest . . . at her most vulnerable.
And he loved her - it was hard not to.
Even though he could never tell her, even though she would never return the feelings, and even when was marrying someone else.
He didn’t begrudge her any happiness. And he knew, deep down underneath all his pain and bitterness, that she was happy now, as she should be - marrying Tae Bin.
One day, after they had announced their engagement, the two of them - Tae Bin and Yu Jung - came into the café for breakfast. Hye Sung had wanted Dong Wan to take their order but he was nowhere to be seen, as usual. The two of them smiled up at him - a happy couple, ordering a happy breakfast, in a bistro full of happy people.
It made him sick.
Sometimes he wanted to yell to whoever was listening up there that he deserved her. That he had loved her longer, loved her better . . . loved her when she needed it the most. He often feared that he’d blurt it out to her: I love you more. Marry me, instead.
Maybe that wasn’t fair. But somehow, he figured that the revelation would not have been appropriate or mutual, anyway.
So he went to the wedding. And everyone who knew him - the entire town, greeted him softly and tilted their heads to the side in that sympathetic gesture you would expect to receive if you were attending a funeral of a loved one.
Funny, inside he did feel like he was dead. Dying, at least.
So there she was, almost floating down the aisle in her white wedding dress and the tiara on her head, wine-red waves tumbling past her shoulders, and a smile on her face that was just as beautiful and charming as she was.
Her eyes flitted over the guests, over her family and friends and then stopped on him. He held his breath, met her gaze steadily, not daring to move and he remembered all those times that they’d look at each other just like this - for just a moment, when the world made sense. And when he thought she felt everything that he did. He knew that it couldn’t just be his dream; that he wasn’t holding onto a false hope . . .
And the moment was shattered.
She continued walking down the aisle to another man. And he literally felt the last shred of faith, that he was so foolishly clinging onto, slip from his grasp.
A few minutes later, she was Mrs. Im Tae Bin.
He wanted to avoid the reception but it was difficult when his restaurant was catering. So he went, ate and watched as Yu Jung danced with her husband and other men, and then he made his way up to the beaming duo.
“Hi, Hye Sung,” she greeted brightly, placing a hand on his arm. “In all the chaos I forgot to thank you for everything. I really, really appreciate it. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Yu Jung,” he responded automatically. His gaze darted between her and Tae Bin and managed a smile that he hoped looked sincere. “Congratulations, the both of you. It was a nice ceremony.”
“Thank you,” Tae Bin said amiably, oblivious to the loathing Hye Sung felt towards him.
He wanted to scream. At that moment - he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs. He wanted to scream that he was there, that he had always been there and always would be. If only she could see what he saw. If only she felt what he felt.
But, instead, Hye Sung tightened his fingertips into fists and smiled again, awkwardly.
“You’re a lucky man.” - Luckiest bastard, I know.
After that, there wasn’t much reason for Hye Sung to hang around. He left, unnoticed.
-
He made his way around the numerous coffee tables in the dimly lit café when the door chimes rang. Startled, he looked up to see a petite auburn haired woman. She was looking around, obviously uncomfortable, and by the looks of her neat hairstyle and designer cashmere jacket - she was evidently wealthy.
“We’re closed.”
Her eyes widened when she looked at him and her lips curved downward. “That’s not what the sign says.”
He remembered that he hadn’t changed the sign. Hye Sung almost laughed at his idiocy. He turned his attention back to the customer.
“Sorry about that. I forgot to flip it. The sign, I mean.”
“So, can I stay or not?” she asked dubiously.
He sighed. What the hell? This was his life, right? “Yeah, stay. Can I get you coffee?”
“Oh no,” she replied and pulled her silk scarf from her neck. “It stunts your growth, you know. Not that staying away from it has done me any good. Do you have tea?”
He gave her a small, sour smile. “I have herbal tea.”
“Even better.” She deposited her purse on the countertop and then sat down on a cushioned stool, looking around the restaurant with curiosity and appreciation. “This is a nice place you have. The city, too. It’s very..”
“Cramped? Chaotic?” he supplied over his shoulder as he put a kettle on the stove. He turned around to catch her distasteful expression.
“I was going to say lively,” she responded, slightly derisive. “I believe that you’ve made a judgment call too quickly Mr. - ” She squinted to make out the letters on his nametag. “Mr. Uh, Shin, is it?”
“Just Hye Sung. I’m not in the best of moods.”
“That’s understandable. Please make that tea to go and I’ll be out of your hair,” she replied politely, reaching into her purse. “How much do I owe you?”
“I - You don’t have to,” he stuttered, never actually having met someone who would leave his café because he was being grump. They usually hung around, regardless, wanting to egg him on some more.
She arched an eyebrow, knowing laughter twinkling in her caramel eyes. “I don’t have to pay for the tea? As you know, I can afford it.”
Hye Sung looked at the woman, a little irritated, a little embarrassed, and a little amused. “I meant that you didn’t have to leave. I’m sorry. I just had a - ”
“A bad day,” she finished for him and smiled pleasantly. “I understand that. In fact, today wasn‘t exactly the greatest for me, either.”
He heard the kettle steam and quickly made the woman her tea. When he placed the steaming cup in front of her, she lifted it to her nose, exhaled deeply - before smiling broadly, thoroughly satisfied. He gave the woman a half smile. “And you haven’t even tasted it.”
Tentatively, she took a small sip and then nodded. “Heaven in a cup.”
Hye Sung lips curved upwards.
“So, if you don’t mind me prying, what caused your irritation?” she asked, tracing her fingertip gently on the rim of her mug.
Hye Sung paused and thought for a moment as a sigh escaped his lips. A sigh that he couldn’t have contained if he had wanted to.
“Funeral,” he finally answered. “My father‘s, actually.”
The woman looked up, her eyes filled with empathy. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that it would be - ”
“No need to apologize,” Hye Sung interrupted. Shaking his head, he touched his bangs slightly before looking back at her. His father had been an ill man, never cared about his health. Hye Sung had been expecting it, no matter how morbid it may have seemed. “Your turn.”
She blinked for a moment before breaking into a wan smile.
“My fiancé ran off with his secretary. Or so his co-workers say.”
Her eyes looked downward as she stared into the drained cup. In it remained only scattered tealeaves.
It was time for her to take her leave.
She pushed the cup of tea away from her, took out her wallet and gazed up at him.
“Thank you for the tea. How much do I owe you?”
He didn’t feel like taking her money. Hye Sung didn’t know why. “It’s on the house.”
She looked a little flustered and he smiled inwardly.
“I insist that I pay.”
“And I insist that you don’t.”
“We’re at an impasse,” she replied with a shrug and slipped off the stool gracefully. “I’ll be visiting you again, and I doubt that you’ll be serving me free every time.”
As she picked up her wallet and put on her coat, he contemplated on prying a bit more but decided that it would be too rude, considering that she had not persisted him for more information about his father’s death. Instead, as she turned to leave, he opened his mouth and said the first thing that came to his mind.
“I don’t know your name.”
She opened the door again and turned around. “Yu Jung.”
“Nice name,” he murmured, without thinking again.
She smiled slightly. “Goodnight, Hye Sung. And try some of your tea. It may cheer you up. It worked for me.”
She left before he could say anything else and he sighed.
-
Hye Sung loosened his tie and fell back into his bed. Staring up at the ceiling for a moment, he let out a groan and turned on his side. The memories were overwhelming him and he felt as if he could not breathe. He was suffocating under the frustration, which oppressed his very heart.
“Your conscience wasn’t kidding when it said that the woman was going to be the death of you,” a voice said from the doorway.
Hye Sung looked up with narrowed eyes to see Dong Wan gazing back at him with sympathetic eyes. He sighed and sat up, rubbing his temples with his index fingers in attempt to soothe his headache.
“How was the wedding?” Dong Wan asked carefully.
“Perfect. Just damn perfect,” he spat and reached into his pockets for a cigarette. Taking a moment to light it, he lifted it to his lips and inhaled deeply. Dong Wan reached out promptly and pulled it from his fingers, extinguishing it in a nearby ashtray.
“You said you stopped smoking. You promised.”
Hye Sung rose to his feet. “You seem to be confused, Dong Wan. Promises are meant to be broken. You can hope all you want, you can even try to trust in them but they won’t ever, ever, be fulfilled, damnit. Get it through your head!” he screamed heatedly.
Dong Wan shook his head and met his roommate’s gaze evenly.
“You can say whatever you want, but I only have one thing to say to you,” he stood to his full height. “You should have told her.”
Hye Sung’s eyes widened as he felt himself shaking.
“Get out,” he whispered.
“Hye Sung - ”
“Get out!” Hye Sung lifted the ashtray into his hands and threw it aimlessly. Falling to his knees, the sound of shattering glass filled his ears. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he covered his ears with his hands.
“Hye Sung.”
“I know, Dong Wan.”
Hye Sung let out a sob.
“But I couldn‘t.”
-
“You’re crying again.”
Yu Jung looked up in alarm and hastily rubbed at her eyes as Hye Sung approached her. Settling himself beside her on the park bench, he handed her a handkerchief.
“Tae Bin, again?” he murmured as she dabbed at her eyes. She paused and turned to give him a wry smile.
“You know me too well.”
Watching as she fumbled with the handkerchief for a few more moments, he reached up slowly and took her face in his. Their gazes locked as he wiped away each tear, each droplet, away with his thumb. Though her tears had stopped, he could not bring himself to pull away. Gently caressing her cheek, he gave her a small smile.
A smile that she could not return.
He let out a breath and pushed away her bangs before placing his hands in his lap, tightly folded in fear that they would reach out and - and -
“Thank you.”
Hye Sung simply nodded, unable to meet her gaze any longer.
“Hye Sung . . .”
“Yes?”
“Hye Sung . . .”
He turned to her at last. “What is it?”
Yu Jung’s eyes seemed to search his as she guided her shaking hand to his.
“You’re always there. You always answer me,” she whispered.
Hye Sung swallowed, containing himself from tightening his grip.
“No matter what time it was, where I was . . . You always answered me. It just amazed me at first,” she leant closer to him. “I found myself saying, this is what it’s supposed to be like. This is what I’m supposed to feel, what I’m supposed to want - no, this is what I wanted all my life. A person to rely on, a person to have faith in.”
Hye Sung pulled her into his embrace suddenly.
She wrapped her arms around his waist and let out a small cry into his shoulder.
“All the people I’ve loved, all the people I thought had loved me . . . I never felt this before, Hye Sung. Never before. I wake up in the morning and wonder to myself why I’m moping over some . . . Some person, who won’t answer my calls. Someone who does not even want to see my face. Someone who I can’t keep myself from loving . . .” she pulled away slightly and looked up at him. “While you - Hye Sung - you give me everything you possibly can.”
“This is what you deserve, Yu Jung,” he replied shakily.
She shook her head. “There’s no one like you in the entire world, Hye Sung. I love you, I love you so much.”
Tears began to well in his eyes as well.
“I love you too,” he choked out and held her closer.
If only - if only they had meant the same things.
-
Hye Sung stepped onto the balcony, his eyes swollen and nose pink from his cries. He felt significantly lighter as he took in the tranquil setting. The stars above him sparkled like diamonds as he raised a lean finger and connected each gem with another. Funny, the stars seemed endless and each and every one of them would have its very own match.
He let out a laugh.
Dong Wan placed a hand on his shoulder as screaming and laughter could be heard below them. Yu Jung and Tae Bin were seated on a motorcycle, still dressed as a bridal couple as they made a round of the village square, a crowd of people following them on foot, throwing rice and confetti. She caught eyesight of him, smiled widely and waved frantically with one hand while clutching onto her husband with the other.
Hye Sung managed a small, friendly wave back. The motorcycle rounded a corner, laughter filling the air, the tin cans tied to the back of the machine dragging across the pavement creating a horrible racket. He leaned against the fence and read the sign attached right between the seat and the rear wheel: Just married.
“Do you have any regrets?” Dong Wan asked suddenly. He turned to him and shook his head.
Hye Sung didn’t envy anyone for anything. He figured that what he had earned and received was what he deserved and if someone wanted to get all philosophical - he had what was meant to be.
And so, he chose to let her go. He had to. He had no choice but to.
He had felt the exhilarating emotion of pure and utter love, and perhaps . . . He may feel it again. Yu Jung had been a godsend for him, a beam of light in his world of bleak darkness.
His love for her had been selfish and it was best that he had not acted upon it. For she deserved so much better than him. Tae Bin may have not been the perfect companion but he was whom she loved. He was the individual who had been the cause of her tears, whether they may have been of mirth or pain.
And now, he would be the one to wipe them away.
Hye Sung would cherish the fact that he had loved someone so beautiful and so unbelievably perfect. To dwell on something that was impossible from the start was seemingly exhausting, and when Yu Jung returned he would have to be much stronger. He would have to greet her, greet her husband, and sooner or later, greet Yu Jung’s first child.
Hye Sung wiped away the tears that had escaped him.
“Dong Wan, have you ever heard of the phrase: It’s better to have loved and lost, rather than to have never loved at all?”
“Yes,” he looked at him curiously.
“I’m going to be thankful that I met her. But I will not cower any longer. Yu Jung is happy, and so I should be too, right?” Hye Sung gazed up at the paired stars and closed his eyes. “But she won’t mind, would she, Dong Wan? If - if I call out sometimes. Not often, no, I’m not that weak.”
“Hye Sung - ”
“If I just say . . . Here I am. I’ve always been here. And in my heart, she will always have a place all her own.”
Dong Wan lowered his head as Hye Sung let out a low breath.
“Here I am, Yu Jung. Here I am.”
--
yeah. one shot. I'm hyesung-inspired. don't know why so don't ask why. predictable, I know. mistakes in there, I know.
but I don't care XP comments are welcomed. | 
